Monday, April 24, 2006

Annals of Sexual Perversion


Above: alleged "service station" habitue engaged in act of "pumping."

"Many service station patrons are people with children, maiden aunts, nuns, and impressionable pets. These used to be places of public decency, suitable for families, and responsive to their values. What happened to the idea of the neighborhood service station as a place of solid values, unfettered joy, fair play, and innocence? We must take back our service stations from these shameless creeps." Violetta Rosebud, President, National Association for Cuddly Goodness.


"Sometimes I have to wait for hours just to fill up my car, because these jerks are 'hogging' the 'pumps.' It's unfair, and it's sickening." - Typical service station customer.

"They stay all day and they hardly spend a cent. We have trouble just breaking even. No wonder the price of gas is skyrocketing. I've had to post time limits at some of my stations. I didn't want to, but I had no choice. So what happens? I get picketed. Plus, there are expenses involved with cleaning up the pumps, and even occasional serious damage. Also, there's quality-control issues with the gasoline that we have to address." -Service station owner.

"Clearly, these issues of concern to us all need to be studied and addressed with due regard to the rights of all citizens, regardless of race, color, creed, ethnic identity, sexual orientation, immigration status, or sealed court records. We must take account both of the values of our productive middle classes and the requirements of diversity in a tolerant society." -Senior Senator Stanley "Prep" Motorola.

"This is sheer intolerance and hate-mongering by the usual bigots. Acts between consenting adults and inanimate objects are protected by our Constitution, in both long-established practice and in judicial precedents. How many of these self-portrayed squeaky-clean fussbudget reactionaries have covert relationships with their own 'sex objects'? It's sheer hypocrisy, and a frontal attack on everyone's right to self-expression. We all inhabit points on a broad spectrum of sexual variety, and pumpers cannot be singled out for a single arbitrary form of that expression." - Siegried T. Uranium, American Sexual Loudness Union.

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