Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Studious Pleasures

Today's girl will often find herself in that most precarious of social situations: If I submit to the beastly advances of some intoxicated friend of the family, can I yet hope that the boy closest to my heart will marry me without qualm? A girl may easily find herself torn between the dictates of a strict yet shallow upbringing, and the imprecations of the plausible rogue of libertine persuasions and intensity of manner. The inner girl casts about for guidance in these manners, even as she consumes more dubious liqueurs, even as she holds at bay strange new feelings of hallucination and desire. The music continues, and on the morrow she remembers little.

Conscienceless liberties freely available to the working flapper are quite beneath her, due to the expectations of position and society. She finds herself endlessly drawn out to chatter on fashionable topics with fumbling sharpsters of limited intelligence. Yet in her heart she longs for mechanical skills. We at The Morpho Institute for Advanced Deportment would like for you to think that we understand. With a council of advisors consisting of medical doctors, beauty experts, the heads of seminaries, and social matrons, we bring doctrinal experise, moral soundness, psychoanalysis, and behavioral modification to our popular improvement programs. Our founder, T. Josiah Parrish, said it best in the founding motto that continues to be tirelessly reiterated to this day: Without sound doctrine, there can be no folly. This philosophy has helped to shape generations, and you can do no less.

We offer four ten-week terms per annum, with expanding tuition plans according to circumstance, and atmospheric props to exaggerate our utter seriousness of purpose. Each young lady will have access to our unique and thorough bathing facilities, while our extensively rebuilt library houses several of the finest encyclopedias. Each luxurious dormitory floor is supervised by a strong maternal figure of questionable sexuality. Our well-lit lamps assure that no light is wanting wherever it is available. But many other overvalued institutions offer these very same inducements to pointless seclusion. What we offer instead, at negotiable extra charge, are medicinal remedies of proven effectiveness, weighed and measured according to universal standards of precise scholarship, and administered using the latest methods. This serves to make the Morpho experience not only a morally demanding one, but a highly pleasurable one as well. Nor can we omit mention of the confining clothing we mandate.

We cannot express our institutional ideals better than did the Reverend Temple Caveat III during his recent misconduct hearings. "The young lady of today," he said on that august occasion, "is the young lady of tomorrow. All is not frills, flirtatiousness, and chocolates in our new age of dynamism and cultural relocation. We must not fail our charges, for to do so opens our very livelihoods to abrupt modification. In this as in other matters, we can, as our many affidavits and personal assurances so vigorously testify, do no wrong." The founder, were he still with us, would raise an ample glass to those sentiments. No less an iconic vision of the legitimate stage and the fine arts than Miss Edna Mae Whippoorwill would heartily agree: "When I was a debutante, I was vastly admired by all of the brightest young men," she coos modestly. "This was entirely due to the expert ministrations and progressive attentions of the Morpho School. I was then prepared to embark on the series of scandalous adventures that shook high society to its covered ankles, and to put my sentimental education to irresistible use. I hope that today's young ladies can be similarly guided, with my shining example as a guiding star." So hope we all.

The Morpho Institute for Advanced Deportment and Anciliary Graces.

"Regret without misfortune."

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