Friday, September 16, 2005

Dr Praetorius: Your Questions About...TELEVISION

Q. We can see people on the television. This leads me to wonder: Can they see us?
Dr. P. Yes. The Law of Viewpoint Conservation dictates that the viewer cannot see without being seen.

Q. Are there real people within the television box?
A. No. They are biogenically-engineered homunculi who have been brought to life by great geniuses, using the lifegiving powers of electrical vibrations in the aether.

Q. What is "cable" television?
A. The cable transmits the primordial ooze which is the origin of all life. Without the cable, reception is limited to a few primitive channels which utilize an unstable "action at a distance" principle. This should not be confused with the transatlantic cable, which is responsible for alien forms.

Q. Why do most of the shows suck?
A. Our contemporary civilzation does not recognize the ancient knowledge of our true geniuses.

Q. How do the television beings know what to say?
A. They do not. High-frequency secret transmissions from command airships dictate the sounds that emerge from your television. The intelligent viewer will find that one of the buttons on his hand-held module can reduce and even eliminate these frequencies.

Q. My television is very dark. I cannot see much, but it often looks as though there is a person in there imitating my movements backwards.
A. This is your single-channel "bargain" television package. There is no such thing as a bargain in television.

Q. What is "satellite" television?
A. The reversed polarities that generate backwards images are also subject to the universal law of electrogravitonification, which predicts, among other things, that smaller televisions will rotate about a larger television, sweeping out equal areas of crawlspace in equal timezones. The simplest countermeasure is to anchor the satellite televisions solidly, although inertial anti-energies thus released can increase a neighboring home to infinite mass, or raise the recently dead to stalk the living.

Q. How can I create life from inert matter?
A. This is really a topic for another day. As you may know, I have done brilliant research in this area, only to be condemned by the tiny minds of our day for "unholy experiments" and "madness." But I will have my day of vengeance.

DR. PRAETORIUS is Miskatonic Professor of Unnatural Forces at Widworth College. He is the author of Electronic Stimulation of the Reconstructed Human Corpse and other bestsellers.