Tuesday, August 16, 2005

The No News Is Good News Club

I haven't read the news today, I didn't yesterday, and I may not tomorrow. But I've taken the liberty of inventing plausible headlines, simply in order to remind myself in moments of weakness why all of this news-consumption is so utterly unnecessary.
  • BUSH COMPARED TO HITLER. Also: Compared to Red Skelton, Charlotte but not Emily Bronte, A Leading Aftershave Lotion, Fall Television Schedule, Roald Dahl, Madonna.
  • WORLD LEADERS CONFER CONSPICUOUSLY. Condemn Israel.
  • SENILE BABY BOOMERS STAGE MASS PROTEST. Dozens Attend, Some Topless.
  • STUPID MOVIE OPENS. Early Box Office Returns Promising. Insipid Adolescent Comedy Slips to No. 2 Spot.
  • GLOBAL WARNING UPDATE. Although 1980 End-of-World Date "Marginally" Inaccurate, "Any Day Now," Experts Say.
  • CELEBRITY DIES. Thousands Feel Bad.
  • CONSUMER PRICE INDEX UP, THEN DOWN. "Hmm," Says Noted Economist.
  • MINORITY LEADER: I AM ANGRY. Everything Is Not My Fault. We Demand Stuff.
  • WEATHER: 22% of Possibility of Rain in Precipitation-Likely Areas Soon.
  • SPORTS: Team Wins!
  • FASHION: Airhead Supermodels Display Risible Designer Collection, Claim to be Entirely Serious.
  • EDITORIAL: Grumble Snort Blah Argh And I Mean It.
  • THEATRE: Cross-Dressing Musical Based on McCarthy Era Is Thought-Provoking.
  • AMAZON TO DELIVER THIRD-FISCAL-QUARTER PURCHASES TO BLEAK: The Astaire-Rogers Collection; Cuckooland; Improvised Meditations and Excursions; Drums Along the Mohawk. Reviews May Follow If Not Forced Out By Important Events.