Thursday, August 18, 2005

Lifestyles of the Easily Amused

  • Reginald Twinkle-Syme marked off a favorite reproduction of an audacious if not especially interesting study of Leda and the Swan into 144 rectangles. He did the same to his bathtub. He then proceeded to copy each grid precisely onto the corresponding tub grid. He made due allowances for the altered perspective of a curved surface. A certain amount of wear was to be expected, so Reginald has been rigorous in touching up the tub once per week on Sunday afternoons.
  • Hubert Leek has gone through all of the books in his library, adding an "e" to the singular nouns not already thus ending. He has also written "1st Editione 1437 A.D." on the title pages. This is his private little joke.
  • Amanda Fwitter has redecorated her living-room, using minor but distinctive details gleaned from back numbers of Stylish Interiors from 1983 through 1992, excluding a few from mid-1985. Although the result is unique and much commented upon, she remains unsatisfied.
  • Mr. and Mrs. Gork of Potable Lane pretend that life is a soap opera which they regularly watch, although they do not; and that life consists of daily soap operas which they do not watch, although they do. Sometimes they are joined by Miss Hilda Sludge, the ill-tempered but enticingly erratic bachelorette from three doors down.
  • Nicholas Pont-Neuf devises blueprints on which he plans every event of his life down to the finest detail, with no margin for error. He is currently working on his morning shave for December 12, 1997.
  • Honeysuckle Diamond, born in an alternative-lifestyle commune in 1967, has tattooed a message of world peace somewhere on her body every day since the U.S. invasion of Iraq. She is running out of room, and is concerned because Karl Rove shows no indications of resigning, despite her having been on a local cable television station twice.
  • Bleak Mouse (not his real name) maintains something he calls a "blog." This consists of his writing "messages" using a computer keyboard, which causes them to appear on a screen. He does not drink.