Thursday, August 18, 2005

BBS Headline News

Lengthy Report To Be Issued

(UBI) -- Venerable experts are gathering in world cultural capitals to discuss "vital paradigms for positive non-transient outcomes" in coming days.

The experts will hold meetings, introduce research, present papers, form committees, hold press conferences, and draft a ten-point proposal.

A press release issued yesterday states, "These are vital issues, perhaps among the most vital of our time. As certified experts and qualified opinion-holders, it is incumbent upon us to speak out. But it would be irresponsible to speak out without arriving at a broad consensus; and it would be doubly irresponsible to arrive at a broad consensus without having a subject of discourse. These are matters that will be discussed, and at length. But we will not be hurried. A precipitous announcement could have disastrous consequences, not only for the world, but for the community of expertise as a whole. Too many casual pronouncements have already been clumsily propelled into the public arena by popular fools -- with terrible, and intellectually embarrassing, results. We hope to avoid the errors propounded by unnuanced disquisitions on subjects of a superficial clarity that disguises an underlying simplicity, both of mind and of substance. In avoiding error, we cannot but arrive at a truth, however complex."

Spokesperson Trevor Intent, B.A., M.A., Ph.D., editor of Metaphysical Gender Symbiotic Fractal Journal, and Fudd Professor of Architectonic Social Metalinguistics at Cheezit College of Artistic Sciences and Minor Surgery, was asked if the stated purpose of releasing a ten-point proposal represented a "predetermined outcome, based on structural bias."

"Not at all," said Intent, looking relaxed after an inter-airport flight. "This is merely a preliminary guideline. Our final guidelines will be one of the subjects on which ideas will be exchanged. The number of points will be negotiable, so as to eliminate the possibility of numeric bias. The final preliminary guidelines may stipulate nine points; they may stipulate forty-seven; they may stipulate fractional quantities; they may reject the concept of points altogether. These are among the very matters we are here to discuss. Nothing is predetermined -- except the length and frequency of breaks." Here Intent laughed heartily, although most others present did not, and a few exited conspicuously.

"There will be made available a tentative announcement of possible schedules," added Ida Subpoena, Women's Professor of Women's Studies at Women's University, and author of The Social Construction of Genitalia: The Coming Biostructural Conflict. "All those not here at written invitation are asked to leave quietly. Those with invitations are asked to have them verified at the armed stations throughout the auditorium. I would like to take this opportunity to issue an ultimatum -- but, first, a pagan dance to Eros."

The conference will continue on a daily basis until concluded.