Saturday, June 04, 2005

We Get Lettuce!

What do you do when you get annoying e-mail advertisements, and check them out only to find that they're blank? If you're like me (and who isn't?), you waste over twenty minutes writing a sophomoric parody while chuckling to yourself, and then post it to your blog:

From: Miracle Burn
Sent: Saturday, June 04, 2005 7:28 AM
Subject: The first patented natural fat burner

Each year, THOUSANDS of people spend MILLIONS of dollars (and vice versa) on FRUSTRATING, UNCOMFORTABLE, EXPENSIVE, and PATHETICALLY FLAWED "health" SCHEMES to lose those excess pounds.

You may ask: WHY CAN'T I BE ONE OF THEM?

Well, I'm here today, as one of those former people myself, to tell you: YES, YOU CAN!

And what's more, I'm SO CONVINCED that this of THE BEST OF THEM ALL that I'm going to give you my PERSONAL GUARANTEE that YOU'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS unless you live in a blast furnace. What's more, I've got to be 100% SATISFIED with the results, or I'll give you triple -- that's right, TRIPLE! -- your dissatisfaction back, NO QUESTIONS ASKED!

Gee, how does this MODERN DAY MIRACLE work, anyway?

The ancients had a word for it. They called it "fire," and the name stuck. You've never seen a fat Stone Age skeleton fragment, have you? Well, the reason is, our "primitive" ancestors didn't waste a lot of time worrying about fad diets or getting to the gym every day. And excess fat was as good as a dinner invitation to those sabre-tooth tigers, werewolves, giant octopi, and mad cows on the lookout for a cheap, easy-to-prepare meal in those days. They had a secret process -- one we take for granted in our post-microwave era. It wasn't easily obtained, as it is today, and they had to wait for lightning to strike a large, dry forest so they could have a THREE-MONTHS SUPPLY. And do you know what that SECRET PROCESS was?

No. Not off hand.

Oh, go on. Take a guess.

I don't want to.

Hey. Do you like this job or not?

Yeah, okay. Uh, wood?

It wasn't wood.

Dead animals?

Fer godsake.

Ouch. That hurt. Stop. Oh. It was eff, eye, are -- FIRE!

That's right. And I'm here to tell you that that SECRET PROCESS is every bit as effective now as it was then.

Really? Can I lose those extra pounds overnight?

You can lose them in MINUTES A DAY -- or all at once if you choose! You can burn that fat RIGHT OFF!

Wait a minute. I've tried these so-called fat burning techniques before. Sure, you lose some fat instantly. But the stench clung to the walls for months. The blackening of the flesh and that damned sizzling noise were revolting. The matches kept going out. My entertainment center blew up My husband and kids were asphyxiated. And three months later, after plastic surgery, my paunch was back. My buttocks were flapping against the backs of my knees. I was ashamed to go to the beach. It was a very annoying experience.

That's all right. If you could get the RESULTS YOU DESERVE, you'd do it again in a minute, wouldn't you?

You bet. No pain, no gain.

That's our motto here at Miracle Burn. Because there was one SPECIAL INGREDIENT missing from your fat-burning regimen. Do you know what that was?

Don't hit me.


Just LISTEN to what a few of our SATISFIED CUSTOMERS have to say:

"Wow! I've never felt anything like it. Will you call me tomorrow?" -- Bertha H.

"Your MIRACLE FAT BURNER was just delivered by furtive, darting men in a rented van. I can't wait to try it!" -- Stanley L.

"Everyone at the office is talking about me. They used to ignore me." -Tippity T.

"Do you have any products for EXCESS HAIR GROWTH?" --Loyola C.

"This is so cool. I can't wait to take it to school tomorrow." -- Little Mary Sunshine

"It's revitalized our sex life after years of bland, childless nights spent recharging batteries for inferior products." -- Vanessa U.


Just send three major credit card, a photo ID, a money order, a signed promissary note, and a compromising photograph -- and WE'LL DO THE REST!