Sunday, June 12, 2005

Pavilion of the Decayed Links

I've posted these links as quickly as I could, in the hopes that a few may still be working. If not, too bad for you. If any are, carpe diem, wot? I sure did.

  • ETERNAL LIFE. If you're not quite sure you want to commit to eternal life, you might try the per-century renewable option at 99 cents per. The Big E is a better deal, though, at $19.99.
  • ALTERNATE LIVES. This is quite a lot of fun. Search out your name in the vast database -- everybody seems to be included -- and find out what happened in an actual alternate universe, if a single event had transpired differently. For instance, I determined that if I'd crossed with the light instead of jaywalk in Harvard Square in 1976, I'd now be a billionaire space pirate. Yes, it sounds implausible, but as one follows the domino process of alternate causation, it becomes quite clear how this effect came to be. Of course, not all of one's possible lives are improvements: it turns out that if I'd taken up the offer of that sleepy-eyed blonde in Renaissance Poetry, I'd have ended up another junkie rock star, and have undergone several messy divorces from fashionable bimbos. Oddly, in this world, too, I'd have become a billionaire space pirate eventually, too.
  • EVERYTHING FREE. I'm not sure how they did it, but they managed to get legal title to everything, and are giving it away absolutely free. I snapped up as much stuff as I could, and managed to grab Hollywood, the Internet, the Hawaiian Islands, several working satellites, the Gardner Museum, Harvard (there will be changes made, I assure you), the planet Saturn, and perpetual tax exemption status. That was the best I could do, as stuff was going pretty fast, but several small towns in Utah, as well as a supporting role in a minor situation comedy, remained unclaimed as of a few minutes ago.
  • MEMORY. Everything you ever knew but have since forgotten, conveniently arranged by social security number, and subdivided according to handy categories such as Books, Friends, Skills, and Sex
  • YOUR BEST VIDEOS. Fill out a simple questionaire, and they'll send you ten thousand DVDs of movies you're bound to like. I've watched a few hundred so far, and they're all great. Cost is a reasonable $24.99 for all 10,000.
  • REVENGE. Wreak vengeance on anyone who has ever done you wrong. Or just anyone you don't like. Full video report, reasonably priced.