Thursday, May 12, 2005

Wagstaff Appointed Harvard President

Harvard University today announced the appointment of Professor Wagstaff to the presidency of Harvard University. This comes in the wake of the recent firing of the controversial Laurence Summers for sexist insensitivity and improper thoughts.

In his first public appearance, Professor Wagstaff addressed the concerns of several prominent spokeswomen of the Harvard feminist community. A transcript is reproduced below.

Q. Professor Wagstaff, what do you intend to do as President of Harvard?
A. First I intend to take a nap. Probably in a few minutes.
Q. And then-- ?
A. Then I'll take anything else that isn't nailed down.
Q. Professor, what are your views on multiculturalism?
A. I don't care what you do in your bedroom. But leave your number with my secretary.
Q. Professor, as you know, your predecessor was fired because a woman nearly fainted during his talk.
A. Nearly fainted? I do more than talk.
Q. Yes, but what do you think about sex roles?
A. If that's a proposition, you're out of line. Wait in my study.
Q. Are you disturbed by the proportions of female academics?
A. In some cases, highly disturbed. In your case, madam, no.
Q. Is that all you think about - sex?
A. Isn't that why I was hired?
Q. What about your long-term commitment to women at Harvard?
A. Let's talk about that later. Can't you see I LOVE you? Those eyes, those lips, those hairs--
Q. I beg your pardon?
A. You're welcome.
Q. Do you have anything to say to the female parts of the faculty?
A. I'll try to address them all individually.
Q. What do you think of the position of women on campus?
A. (Here he raises eyebrows, paces back and forth, puffing silently on cigar.)
Q. Are you aware, professor, that there is no smoking in this building?
A. Why, yes there is. I'm doing it right now.
Q. Have you no concerns about second-hand smoke?
A. Not as long as the sundial is working.
Q. We have a number of demands to make of your administration. If you'll look at these briefs--
A. I thought you'd never ask.
Q. Well, I never --
A. Frankly, madam, I'm not surprised