Wednesday, May 18, 2005

Frequently Asked Questions

  • The DNA test has come back positive, you bastard. Did you think that just because I was once a naive yet comely milkmaid I'd never track you down and make you pay?
  • When I was young and reckless I joined a satanist motorcycle gang and got cool tattoos over most of my body. Now my fiancee wants to have a nudist wedding ceremony at a nearby cathedral. Can I get money out of this somehow?
  • Why do they have Driving Under the Influence but not Driving Over the Influence? Aren't half of these scoundrels getting off scot-free?
  • Why don't you have a daily television talk show? Can I appear on it?
  • Would you change your mind if I showed you these?
  • Santa Claus always gives me socks and ugly ties. How can I get a restraining order?
  • The incidence of certain letters in your prose is vastly disproportionate to their incidence in the alphabet population. Can you possibly maintain that such blatant discrimination is merely accidental?
  • How should I know where you put your reading glasses?
  • Would you be interested in a story where this nerdy guy gets in a lab accident and has death rays from his eyes and fingertips and has to decide whether to be a monster or a cool superhero? I have more.
  • Okay, can't you at least pay the interest?
  • Why don't you come up and see me sometime?
  • Wouldn't you like to be a leader in the fast-growing high-profile field of leprosy counselling consultancy techniques?