Friday, April 01, 2005

WHOW: Nightlight, with Q.

Q. We're speaking today with the late Mavis Trimble, M. Ed, founder, emcee, and spokestreasurer of Fools United, and author of the bold new bestselling treatise, Fools Don't Rush: The Bestial Conspiracy to Destroy Your Aplomb.

I have to say that this looks to be quite a fascinating read, Mz. Trimble.

A. Thank you, Bleak. It does, doesn't it?

Q. This is, as we may surmise, or else you wouldn't be here, an examination of a major social issue of grave concern to the nimble wits who make a habit of having grave concerns.

A. Yes, it is. And I'd like to think that it will be of grave concern, as you so deftly put it, to every person listening today, and those watching, and those reading transcripts, and everyone else who has ever suffered from, excuse me, snf, practical jokespersons and their insensitive, demeaning practices.

Q. Today is April Fool's Day...

A. We prefer the term Fool Empowerment Day, or April the First Day of the Rest of Your Life. That obsolete and, frankly, offensive coinage has caused millions of lives to become mired in self-esteem issues, just so that a few laffascists can maintain the present power structure, one which is, as I attempt to show in my book, based on inappropriate responses to the life-events of unempowered minorities.

Q. Sounds absolutely bloody fascinating...I understand that you were enlightened by your own learning experience some years ago.

A. Yes. It was on the first of April. I was young and naïve, unaware of the many issues regarding defensive consciousness among the literal, the gullible, and others I have come to see as invisible victim classes. My male companion, who has since undergone regression therapy for problems with sexual incompetence and his vanishingly-small physical endowment, and who is named in the book, took me to a party that included various co-professionals of ours as well as important personages from the world of the respected and celebrated. In the hallway to the residence, at the end of which we could hear discussion and such from the room where the party was being held, he began removing his tie and jacket, and unbuttoning his shirt. Naturally, I asked, "Whatever are you doing?" And he said, "Oh, but you didn't get the memo? There are very important people here, who happen to be nudists, who would be very culturally offended by anyone who had the insensitivity to attend this event clothed." He suggested that I use the large closet he pointed out to remove my clothing, and then just to "walk right in." I had fleeting doubts, but of course respect for alternative lifestyles has been, and remains, a sturdy anchor to my ethical relativism, and I am, as a lifelong student of the depradations of sexism, entirely unashamed of my body. So he said, "I'll meet you in there," and I went into the closet and removed my clothing. Then...

Q. Let me guess.

A. They were laughing and pointing and yelling, "April Fools!" Someone was taking photos. I felt faint, but of course my smelling salts were in the closet. The event was highly traumatic, and I was afraid to remove my clothes for several months afterwards. People at work would giggle when I walked by. Finally, my doctor diagnosed me as suffering from Undesignated Hysteria Symdrome, and it turns out that countless thousands are victims. Fortunately, thanks to my efforts, most of them are now starting to speak out.

Q. Not just starting.

A. That's right. We've learned to Speak Truth to Humor.

Q. Well, we're running out of time here...Can you sum up in a few sentences?

A. This pathocentric social dysfunction remains widespread and its unconscious attitudes are already shaping the death of the planet. It's like Hitler and McCarthy and the Salem Witch Trials. Every time I see a child with a "Kick Me" sign, or some predatory capitalist selling those whoopee cushions...Every time I see these things, it reaffirms my sense of commitment to the voiceless masses suffering under elite humorism.

Q. Mm. Like I really care. Unbelievable.

A. Thank you, Bleak. I really care, too. Are you single?