Monday, April 25, 2005

The Missing Link (no pun intended. Really.)

Scientists have discovered an intermediary species between humans and lower anthropoids, which appears to confirm one of many possible scenarios for the descent of man, as well as giving further credence to the "African genesis" theory of human origins. John Greystoke, Lord Bomba Visiting Professor of Physical Anthronymy at London State Teachers' College, insists that this is "a breakthrough of the first magnitude, a smoking gun of evolution, as it were, ha, ha. We never expected that such a species would be still living, especially given its poor health habits." Greystoke goes on to note transitional hominid behaviors that could be linked to evolutionary development. "On the negative side, as our critics are quick to point out," he notes gruffly, "there is no evidence of the use of ashtrays, a critical tool in the development of basic intelligence. But this is only a single animal -- we hope to locate others soon -- and the use of tools often evolves to accomodate social needs. That this animal is indeed socially developed," he continues, "is attested to by the fact that he always smokes out of doors. This suggests sensitivity to the rights of others in the anthropoid community, possibly due to empathic cognition, possibly due to his having been married at one time. In any case, one would expect a less fully evolved individual to take the typically subhuman 'Fuck you' attitude to legitimate requests by socially responsible adults to relocate his craven addiction to more appropriate venues. Instead, he does so without prompting. This is quite impressive."

Asked what further evidence of intermediary behaviors researchers might hope to find, Greystoke indicated that "it's hard to say. Surely, we might hope to unearth crude ashtrays. And although we would not expect this species to have developed the cigarette filter, surely something on the order of a cigarette holder would have been attempted. Similarly with 'Thank you for not smoking within fifty feet per orders of the fire department' signs. By 'signs,' " he explained, "we of course mean gestures and body language -- not, as the layman might think, large squares of cardboard with printing. But the clincher would be to find anthropoid smoking-cessation programs, which would indicate crudely civilized social structures. Failing that, we might find non-smoking behaviors among similar simians -- as, for instance, uncontrolled fits of frenzy or cranky demeanor."

Dr. Greystoke is the author of Online Thesis Purchase Here; Bimbos in Heat: A Dialectical Skirmish with Photos; and editor of British Academics Against Bush Instruct Americans: An Original Anthology of Verbosely Footnoted Poetry. He was awarded The Nobel Odd Hat Prize for 1997.